Effective Communication for the Smallest Organization

In a previous post I relayed some leadership principles from a pastor in Phoenix. One of the concepts was the following...

You HAVE to communicate. You have to explain why you're doing something, what will happen if you DON'T do it, and what you hope will happen if you DO do it. People often will not understand even your very simple ideas until you are sick of talking about it. That is when they are just beginning to hear it.

Why is this the case? Why is it that communication is so difficult in an organization? I mean, if the person leading the organization says something, even just once, every one should listen closely and respond, right? It is a strange reality that even when people are motivated by money, (i.e. listening to my boss may directly affect my pocketbook), they often still do not hear the mantras, the clear, obvious, repeated statements that shape an organization. (For example, try stating the 'core values' for your business/company right now.)

But this really shouldn't come as any surprise. Take the smallest organization that exists, the smallest unit of society, the family, and evaluate the way communication occurs there.

I love my wife, she loves me, we like each other, we live together, we share so much of life, yet  we still mis-communicate. We still do not always understand or fully comprehend one another's vision for life moving forward. We may not always talk about it, and even when we do we may not listen. Or we may avoid talking about big issues for a season out of fear, hurriedness, awkwardness, or uncomfortableness. We still have disagreements about little things like where empty recycling items should rest in the kitchen before departing for their epic journey to the elusively placed recycling bin in the garage. We manage to miss each other on some of the more obvious things, and this doesn't even include communicating well with our children. All the above sounds slightly dysfunctional, yet I would say, based on my extensive research of other families, which means watching/stalking and piously judging all my friends and their marriages, that we're on the above side of average when it comes to communication.

Communication, even within your own family can be difficult, but as I quoted Dennis Rainey in the previous post, communication is the life-blood of an organization. Communication is the means by which you lead, love, guide, and direct your family through life. If you are going to lead your family well, you must learn to foster good communication.

Here are some tips for improving your communication with your family:

1. Do a weekly date night: Even if you can't get out on the town, set aside at least 1 hour to just sit on the couch and talk with your wife. Listen to her. Nod regularly. look into her eyes. Ask clarifying questions. Talk about things that seem to creep up and take your family by surprise. Right now our set up is for Thursday nights. One of those a month we go out, two of the other three we talk about finances and ministry (separate nights). The final night is a catch-all - no predetermined subject. Our consistency since moving (for the last month) has not been as great as I'd like - but that's my job to make sure we hold to it.

2. Plan out your week together on Sunday night: On Sunday night, I try to take an hour to think through my week. A few times lately I have sat in the kitchen while my wife does the same and we end up having GREAT conversations about the week. We never really planned to do this, but it has developed naturally over time.

3. Go to bed together WITH NO TV, INTERNET, OR EMAIL, in the room (but books are ok): It is amazing how many good conversations occur as you are drifting off to sleep. Last year I broke this rule and spent many nights working late into the night to meet some deadlines. It was out of necessity, but I am glad it is over. It has been good to return to our routine of going to bed together, and it has helped me get more sleep! It is a simple connection point, but the connection can be strong. If you have electronic devices in the room, there's little chance of conversations occurring. They numb the mind and prevent good conversation. Books are OK, however, mostly because I like books and want to self-justify my actions and have you join me, but also because they are easier to put down when someone starts talking.

4. Pray with your spouse every night: The simple act of praying together can make a huge difference in your communication.

5. Plan a yearly get-away: Weekly and daily communication is a must, but you also need to get away from the rut and routine of life once a year and talk about big picture items that cannot be solved in one evening. Things like schooling, vacations, dreams for the future, mission trips, ministry activities, and family sports/activities. Putting a plan in place helps your family focus on the main priorities for the year. FamilyLife offers a book called Getting Away to Get It Together to help you plan such a weekend.

6. Milestone celebrations with your kids: Whenever your child hits a key milestone, plan a celebration of some sort. FamilyLife has the Passport to Purity kit to help you plan a weekend away with your pre-teen to talk about purity. Last year I did an event with our son before he became an older brother. These events give you an opportunity to reinforce values that are important to you and also allow you to go deeper with your child.

7. Develop a list of family values: I have not done this one, but it is something other speak highly of. Steven Covey talks about the process for establishing these values in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Communication is hard, even with a small group of people. The only way it will ever happen well is if you are intentional. But it is worth the work. The other choice is to just passively allow your family to plod along with no clear direction from you. And just as with any organization, this leads to chaos, frustration, confusion, and eventually, a break down of relationships. Try starting one of the above items this week. If you have not done any, then start with #1 or #4, or whichever seems easiest to you.

Some helpful leadership thoughts

Chris Davis, of Whitton Avenue Bible Church, shared this list of leadership principles with me that he received from a pastor in the Phoenix area. Good stuff. Italics are my comments:

1. When approaching any change in an organization, start EVERY sentence/paragraph with "For now..." so people are OK with change when it happens (meaning... "we're testing this out and it may not be permanent, so don't freak out.")
2. Be yourself.  There is a tendency to overemphasize your importance... ..and undervalue your uniqueness.  i.e. no movement is doomed if you die off or stop being a part of it. Don't forget that. You're not that important. The world will go on without you. Yet you do have a unique way of looking at things that adds value to the organization. Don't minimize that either.
3. There is a difference between preferences and criticisms. --"It's too loud" is a preference. "You stink" is a criticism. Weigh your criticisms differently, based on who gives it. 
4. Have a few key people around you who speak into the ministry.
5. You HAVE to communicate. You have to explain why you're doing something, what will happen if you DON'T do it, and what you hope will happen if you DO do it.  This pastor shared an illustration of announcing for 6 weeks that they would need help setting up chairs for easter, then the day before easter 100's of people called the church office asking if they would have chairs.  If they don't get chairs, they won't get your nuanced missional vision for the city. Remember,You are thinking about this stuff 24/7. Others are not.) This reminded me of a saying I often quote by Dennis Rainey. He says that just about the time when you think you are absolutely sick of talking about something, where you can't imagine even saying it again for any reason, that is the time when most people are just beginning to hear it for the first time.He also said "Communication is the life-blood of an organization."
6. Everyone is watching you.  It's not fair, but they are.  You can't be the exception to every rule. Chris relayed a story from this pastor when he was asked to move to the front of a food line and refusing for the above reason. You can't always break the rules and expect others to follow. I've appreciated Dennis' example of not taking first class flights (except for free upgrades) because of the precedent it establishes. 
7. You have to be patient.  Time is your friend, not your enemy. Be a patient dreamer. Hmmm... something our political leaders could appreciate.
8. Discipleship and raising up leaders are far more important than attendance. Ouch. This is a tough one. For most churches "growth" has come to singularly mean "more people attending on Sunday mornings." This is HARD because it is not nearly as measurable. 
9. Nobody cares and you're not going to make a huge difference. i.e. keep your short life in perspective. The pastor shared a story of a MLB pitching coach who was illustrating a principle by talking about Sandy Koufax to a new crop of young players. The players said, "Who is Sandy Koufax?" Wow. How quickly we forget. He also noted the fact that you can buy full collections Chuck Swindoll's books packaged together in tiny print for a few dollars. He used to be the hottest preacher around! IT'S NOT ABOUT YOU.  If you can get your ego out of the way, it will be so much easier to make decisions.

 I have some further thoughts to share on number 5 in the coming days...