Two things that are guaranteed to radically change your marriage

There are two things you can start doing right now that are guaranteed to radically change your marriage. Sound too good to be true? They really do work. Doesn't mean they're easy, but you will see immediate results.

Step One

First, think of marriage from an eternal perspective. I've know this to be true for a long time. But the hard part is putting it into practical terms. How do you imagine marriage in light of something that is infinite and eternal? It's like trying to comprehend the size of a galaxy. Our minds are not big enough to gain that kind of perspective. 

But there is a practical step you can take to get there. In the book You and Me Forever, Francis Chan shares how he approaches this. He tries to imagine himself standing before God for the first time. What would it feel like? How would he respond?

Oddly, I meet very few people who think about that moment. Is it because we don't really believe it's going to happen? We think about upcoming vacations and imagine how much fun we will have. We think about upcoming trials and worry about how difficult they will be. Why don't we think about seeing God for the first time? I'll try to think about it often because it keeps me centered. This is also why I imagine Lisa [his wife] seeing God for the first time. I love her, so I want her to be ready for it. (p.24)

What are the benefits of doing this? 

Eternal-mindendness keeps us from silly arguments. There's no time to fight. We have better things to pursue than our interest. Too much is at stake! God created us for a purpose. We can't afford to waste our lives. We can't afford to waste our marriage by merely pursuing our own happiness. (p.11)

A strange thing happened when [we] started living with an eternal lens: it caused us to enjoy the here and now! Many people will tell you to focus on your marriage, to focus on each other; but we discovered that focusing on God's mission made our marriage amazing. This caused us to experience Jesus deeply—what could be better?

Not easy at all - but I think you'll find if you begin to employ the intentional practice of considering your marriage in light of eternity, it will have a profound affect on the way you live and love each other now.

Step Two

The second is one I've heard Dennis Rainey talk about time and again: Praying Together. Again, the Chans offer these thoughts on why this is so critical to the health of your marriage:

Remember that there is an enemy who is seeking to destroy your marriage. Our battle is not against flesh and blood (Ephesians 6:12), so we can't safeguard our marriages through more date nights, more vacations, or more counseling. Those things are not bad, but we have to see that there is more going on. Sincere and concentrated prayer will do infinitely more than any human strategy for a happy marriage. "The prayer of a righteous person has great power as it is working" (James 5:16). (p.29)

It's hard to believe that these two things can make such a difference in marriage, but they really can. 

Try a one week experiment with a morning and evening approach:

In the mornings, do step one. Here's how you can approach it: Take 3 minutes and imagine yourself standing before God. Imagine how it feels, what you would hear, what you would see. Then take 3 minutes and imagine your spouse standing before God. Also imagine what he or she would feel, see, hear. Also imagine what they would look like to you in that moment. Then take 3 minutes and pray about how this vision affects your marriage today.

Next, in the evening, take 3 minutes to pray with your spouse. Simply pray for the things that came to mind in the morning. Or pray for your kids together and the biggest challenges facing your family. Make sure to begin by giving thanks for all the things that are going well in your marriage and family.

Try it for a week and see what happens.

What is the Home for?

I've been reading quite a bit of Wendell Berry lately. Some friends visited the other night, and we began discussing the state of marriage and family today, which reminded me of the following quote, which we read aloud and discussed:

“Marriage, in what is evidently its most popular version, is now on the one hand an intimate ‘relationship’ involving (ideally) two successful careerists in the same bed, and on the other hand a sort of private political system in which rights and interests must be constantly asserted and defended. Marriage, in other words, has now taken the form of divorce: a prolonged and impassioned negotiation as to how things shall be divided. During their understandably temporary association, the ‘married’ couple will typically consume a large quantity of merchandise and a large portion of each other.” - From What Are People For? p180.

After reading the quote I was also reminded of another:

“The modern household is the place where the consumptive couple do their consuming. Nothing productive is done there. Such work as is done there is done at the expense of the resident couple or family, and to the profit of suppliers of energy and household technology. For entertainment, the inmates consume television or purchase other consumable diversion elsewhere.”

These quotes shed much light on the problem of parenting in the modern household for me. Most couples have no inherent concept in their minds of the purpose of their home. It has by default been defined as a place to escape from work or school, rest from work in various forms (TV, yard work, video games, read), or catch up on extra work from the office. But the home in and of itself has very little productive function for the family. It has little unifying effect on a family, in fact, most families are highly divided in their own home – each person slipping off into their separate spheres of escape. (Thus the modern generational divided church is really just a natural result of what has already been occurring in the home for decades.) It should come as no surprise then that many adults and children want to escape the home altogether, chasing children and their activities all over the city. For many it is easier to escape the confusion of the home than to fight for unity among the family in the home.

It should also come as no surprise that it is incredibly difficult to engage children with household chores, as there is no immediate connection to such work and meaning in their lives. There was a day when if one did not engage in household work (gather eggs, milk the cow, can the vegetables, etc.) then you very well may have starved, or at the very least have been very hungry. Now the solution, if one is hungry, is not to work harder at home, it is to go make a purchase.

What is the Home for? This is the problematic question any couple must wrestle with. For us, the home is a place where we certainly do some of the above time-wasters, but predominantly in our minds, our home is a place for fostering relationships with each other and with neighbors with the hopes that some may come to know Christ. It’s almost like the neighborhood pub, but with sweet tea on tap instead.

That night our friends lamented the way one couple they know are so scattered by their kids activities. I concluded, "I don’t think your friends that are smothered and scattered by child sports will be able to change their behavior until they wrestle with the question of the purpose of their home, until they can answer together, 'What is our home for?'"

I Do Again

Just listened to a powerful story of a couple that remarried after being divorced for seven years. I was pretty emotional at the end when she described the moment that they told their twin daughters they were going to get remarried. What a story!

Part 1

Part 2

Part 3

You can order their book here.

Time on Marriage

Time Magazine recently published this article on marriage. In it they make two important statements:

"There is no other single force causing as much measurable hardship and human misery in this country as the collapse of marriage."

And…

"On every single significant outcome related to short-term well-being and long-term success, children form intact, two-parent families outperform those from single-parent households. Longevity, drug abuse, school performance and dropout rates, teen pregnancy, criminal behavior and incarceration – if you can measure it, a sociologist has; and in all cases, the kids living with both parents drastically outperform the others."

One feminist responds:

"As a feminist, I didn't want to believe it," says Maria Kefalas, a sociologist who studies marriage and family issues… "Women always tell me, 'I can be a mother and a father to a child,' but it's not true." Growing up without a father has a deep psychological effect on a child. "The mom may not need the man," Kefalas says, "but her children still do."

Read the full article here.

The Family Room

FamilyLife offers a great e-zine on marriage called The Family Room.

I especially appreciated one article this month on a woman's struggle to salvage her marriage after an affair. She writes,

"Brad and I had only been married for 15 months when he told me that he was no longer happy and wanted out of our marriage. I was devastated … but not totally surprised. I suspected that he had been seeing another woman.

Although Brad and I continued living under one roof, our hearts were not united. Our daughter had just turned one, and I wondered if our life as a family was over."

You can read the rest here.

Marriage Advice for Men

I was mountain biking recently with a single guy and he asked me about the nature of timing in communication and conflict with members of the opposite sex. I replied "timing related to conflict is like timing in comedy. Timing is EVERYTHING." Figuring that one out alone will help any guy make better decisions. There are also few other things a man could benefit from knowing about marriage. These guys cover the bases well with their helpful advice in this video:



Disclaimer: Wearing a faux mullet will not necessarily help your chances of actually getting married.

Happy 9th Anniversary

This is Julie writing.  I’ve hacked into Hubby’s account to post for him.  Today is our ninth anniversary.  I think I'm supposed to buy him pottery to celebrate today.  However, I think words affirm him much more than clay.  So I'm going to brag on him a bit.  

I’m the luckiest girl on the earth.  He didn't know what he was getting into when he asked me THE question nine years ago.  It should have tipped him off when I said I wanted to get married in a barn.  I'm a little silly sometimes and had my fair share of harebrained ideas.

Enough about me!  At the top of this blog, you’ll see a four part mission statement.  I’m going to expose how he’s doing.

To love one woman faithfully. 

After nine years of marital bliss, I’m looking forward to the next nine (and beyond!)  John is intentional in our relationship and treats me with such kindness I sometimes want to pinch myself to see if I’m living in a fairy tale.  This doesn’t mean that he’s perfect.  He is  often quick to ask forgiveness when he’s wrong.  His humility points me to Jesus in ways that I don’t see in others.

Something that speaks HUGE love to me is acts of service.  He can clean the kitchen like nobodies' business.  He's also quite a handyman. (He's learned a lot from the 3 remodels houses we've owned. ) Of his own confession, John would tell you that he doesn’t particularly enjoy home projects, but he does them.  It save us LOTS of money (and makes me really happy!)  I stand in awe at his diligence to solve problems.  

Late night chocolate runs. Enough said.

He loves me faithfully.  He prays with me every night.  

To be intentional with my son. 

When John is home, he’s really home.  What I mean is, he is singly focused at the task at hand: to be with us, his family.  He consciously says no to a lot of things so that he can spend time at home.

For this, I am so thankful.  Mr Intensity (our son’s bloggy name on my blog) requires demands a lot of attention.  John is so good to wrestle with the boy.  Mommas aren’t so good at being rough; I like to cuddle.

Twice a week, John is faithful to lead our family in worship...which is no small task with an active 4 year-old.  John thinks through and shares stories that would penetrate Mr. Intensity’s heart.

My favorite way John is intentional with our son?  Bedtime routine, solo.  He earns a congressional medal of honor for that.

To live with integrity.

I admire his diligence to wake early and spend time with the Lord.  Everyday.  Really early.  He’s the real deal, y’all.  He loves Jesus with his heart, mind, soul and strength.  And John is really strong.  

As you probably know he works from home.  John works heartily as unto the Lord from 8-5 isolated in our bedroom.  Well, he does emerge at lunch and for an occasional drink or snack!  I’ve been super impressed with his concentration and perseverance.  If had to work from home like him, I would play hookie a few hours or days a week.

 

John is such a man of integrity, occasionally he takes the opportunity to teach integrity to neighborhood boys.  It would be easy enough to let the rowdy boys slip but he calls them out, speaks truth to them and points them to something higher.

To do the right thing. 

Two months ago, we discovered mold under our kitchen cabinets.  I would have been easy to replace only the boards that showed water from the outside.  But that would not have been the right thing.  He replaced every single board.  He did the project right.  He did unto others (who hopefully will buy our house soon!) what he would want them to do to him.

Since early summer, a friend of his has been walking through a painful trial.  John has been faithful to talk with that friend - frequently - sometimes several HOURS a week.  It has blessed my soul to watch John minister (and pray) so fervently.

He is One Man Trying.  He is making a difference in the world.  I’m so glad to be married to him.

Arguing is Good for Marriage

Like to argue? Who doesn't? Actually, a number of people hate it. An article in the Idaho Press-Tribune proposes that arguing is not only a part of marriage, but it is beneficial to marriage.

Personally, I think there is a better way to state it. Most people view the word "arguing" as negative. Arguing implies that things have gone ugly - someone has lost control or moved beyond reason in their attitude or tone. It seems better to say that 'debate' is good for marriage. Not only is debate good, it is essential to a healthy marriage. Healthy debate helps you resolve differences and develop a set of shared common values. Couples that avoid debate are short-circuiting the maturation of their relationship and the "oneness" God intends in marriage.

The article offers these helpful guidelines for fighting fair:

There are many rules to the concept of marital conflict. For instance, don’t bring up the past, don’t belittle or shame the other person, keep it between you two and don’t bring in reinforcements, take one issue at a time, and stay with it until you feel you have heard one another.

Well said. Too many couples try to bring up every little issue in the world when 'debating' a difference. Stick to one issue and solve it, then move on to others.

The article closes with this advice:

Always remember that this is the person you have announced you love! Treat them tenderly even in the midst of conflict, and remember you will always have conflict, and much of it will be over the same issues.

Reminds me of a phrase we heard at a FamilyLife conference (shameless plug) in our first month of marriage: "Your mate is not your enemy." Remember that you are on the same team - you are not enemies.

What would you do if your spouse would not speak to you... for THREE YEARS?

I've heard it said that "Communication is the lifeblood of an organization." So it goes with marriage. The statement has been made to me before that finances are the number one reason couples divorce. Finances are not the problem, they are the symptom of a lack of authentic, productive communication.

If communication brings life, then silence is deadly. That's why this article about a couple who didn't speak to one another for THREE YEARS, even though they lived in the same house, blew me away. The wife says the breakthrough came when she stopped looking at her husbands faults, stopped trying to change him, and forgave him for everything he had done wrong in their marriage.

Reflecting on this story brought much gratitude for my wife and the institution of marriage.

Marriage Keeps You Sane

Some say marriage will make you crazy.

But now there's new evidence that proves the opposite: Staying married can actually help keep you out of the loony house.

Read the article here.