Pastor Dad

On the flight home from Rwanda, I read one of Driscoll's new "books" (at 45 pags – it's really more of a long pamphlet) called Pastor Dad. This is a book that was written to be given away, and can be downloaded for free here. I really admire big time Christian pastor guys who give away books. It says a lot about their character. (Incidentally, Rick Warren, after his Purpose Driven Life book sold like hand sanitizer at a mom's convention, wrote a check back to the church for his salary up to that point - all 20+ years. And Dennis Rainey has given every penny of book royalties back to FamilyLife for ministry use – well over 1 million dollars).

So I read the book and it was interesting – though a bit heavy handed at points (which is to be expected at times with Driscoll). There were some parts that will resonate with many (Italics are my comments):

"The safest place for children is with a man who fears the Lord."

"Before any father disciplines his children, he is commanded to delight in them." This is so true, and would solve many discipline problems men face with their children.

"One night while tucking my daughter into bed, I asked her, 'What should a good daddy do?' She said, 'A daddy should make a lot of money, read his Bible, teach his kids, love his kids, be silly and have lots of fun.'" – Well said!

"A wise dad may realize that a personal quiet time for himself is unwise; rather than hiding away in a quiet place to read the Bible, it is often best to do so in the noisy living room where the kids can see and climb on their dad while he reads his Bible." - This reminds me of a man who had it as his goal that his kids would always find him studying his Bible at the kitchen table when they woke up. One of his Children recalled that they could only remember a handful of times when he wasn't doing that very thing.

He also tells a great story (Ch7) of how he disciplined his out of control son and restored their relationship in the process. He concludes the story with the biblical truth that it is the father's role to "lovingly lead their children toward heartfelt repentance of sin." These two pages (35-36) are worth reading for every father.

A few good pointers along the way and lots of encouragement to be a man. Might be a good resource to pass along and discuss with other men in your church. But please review it yourself before doing so.

Another Bit of Wisdom

Appearances are deceiving.  Things are not always as they seem.  I've had too many conversations with men that seem to be walking the walk, just to watch their marriages disintegrate later as they pursued suppressed passions, those not put to death at an earlier time (Rom8.13).  Of course, I've seen many women do the same.  The sad part is, this tendency rests in the heart of us all, the tendency to be man pleasers instead of God pleasers.  The tendency to look the part, yet be dreaming of another world on the inside.

Once again, a bit of ancient Jewish wisdom from Rabbi Nathan to pull us back to center:

There are four types [of disciples] among those that frequent the study house:  One takes his place close to (the sage) and is rewarded; one takes his place close to (the sage) and is not rewarded.  One takes his place at a distance (from the sage) and is rewarded; one takes his place at a distance and is not rewarded.

One engages in discussion and is rewarded; one engages in discussion and is not rewarded.  One sits and keeps quiet and is rewarded; one sits and keeps quiet and is not rewarded.

If one takes his place close to (the sage) so that men might say, “There’s so-and-so drawing close to and sitting down before a sage,” he is not rewarded.

 If one takes his place at a distance so that he might honor someone greater than he, he is rewarded.

 If one takes his place at a distance so that men might say, “So-and-so has no need of a sage,” he is not rewarded.

 If one engages in discussion in order to understand and learn, he is rewarded.

 If one engages in discussion so that men might say, “So-and-so engages in discussion in the presence of sages,” he is not rewarded.

 I one sits and keeps quiet in order to listen and learn, he is rewarded.

 If one sits and keeps quiet so that men might say, “There’s so-and-so sitting quietly in the presence of sages,” he is not rewarded.

So one appears to be learning, but is merely self promoting.  One appears to be serving, but is self-serving.  Motives can be difficult to discern - even our own. 

I remember years ago i was invited to a man's house to meet a church-planting missionary.  I was excited to go, but I ruined the party.  It didn't occur to me until months later that I had just wanted everyone to see how much I knew.  As I talked with this man about church and theology, it was all about me.  It had nothing to do with anyone else there.  What fun, to watch a guy trying to puke up every bit of information he has stored on a topic.  How sad.

Yet great men, like Billy Graham, are life-long learners.  A man who studied him, even wrote his PHD dissertation about his evangelism techniques, had an opportunity to meet Billy Graham.  Once BG found out about the PHD, he began to ask this man to help him improve his evangelism.  The man was dumb-struck, "but I learned everything I know from you!"  Yet BG would not let up, he wanted to improve.

So how can one know that they are motivated out of pure intentions?  Walk by the Spirit and you will not carry out the desires of the flesh (Gal 5.16).

Actions of a Wise Man

Rwanda has a heavy respect based culture.  Sure, this can be abused and lead to a superiority complex in some, but the concept is good.  It plays out in many aspects of life, like the way people shake hands (looking down and slightly bowing) or hold a conversation (always waiting for others to finish - not rushing to interrupt someone).

This morning I read from an ancient Jewish text called The Fathers According to Rabbi Nathan.  In it is a description of a wise man:

Seven qualities characterize the wise man: 

1. He does not speak before him that is greater than he in wisdom or in age.
2. He does not break into his fellow's speech.
3. He is not in a rush to reply.
4. He asks what is relevant and replies to the point.
5. He speaks of first things first and of last things last.
6. Of what he has not heard he says:  "I have not heard," and is not ashamed (to admit it).
7. And he acknowledges what is true. 

A few comments:  

Over the last year I've tried to be intentional to follow #5.  Many are guilty of answering questions that no one is asking - or of merely rambling on about something to display your knowledge, rather than actually answering the question.  This has been a challenge for me and I'm praying for growth.

Also, related to #6, the Lord provided some amazing examples for me in the form of a professor and two fellow students in Phoenix.  All three of these men are incredibly bright and have a wealth of knowledge, yet they were never ashamed to admit ignorance of a matter.  They were hungry to learn and for that I am grateful.  A weak, insecure man (i.e. myself for many years) is afraid to admit ignorance, because he is more concerned about appearing wise than actually being wise. 

May we seek knowledge and hunger for wisdom, so that we may hunger and thirst for righteousness (Matt 5.6)!

Some Reflections on Rwanda

Just returned from the most AMAZING trip to Rwanda.  The country has made unbelievable strides from the 1994 genocide - it's really quite remarkable.  My personal observation is that they have been able to move forward because of their willingness to embrace the past and learn from it.  The government continues to encourage the people to talk about their genocide experiences - to remember what happened and share it with the world.  Not in a bitter way, but in a way that brings healing.  They have a number of genocide memorials and burial grounds throughout the country.  It's hard to believe that this country is so small (about the size of Maryland, yet with 9 Million people - most densely populated African country) because the hearts and the vision of the people are so big.

I returned home to a birthday gift from my parents - Churchill's six volumes on WWII.  In Volume 1, The Gathering Storm, he states, "it would be wrong not to lay the lessons of the past before the future."  He called WWII "the unnecessary war," for he believes there was never a war more easily avoidable.  So the Rwandan people are moving forward by remembering the past and using it to heal.  They are preserving a horrific memory and allowing it to drive them towards a new future together.  And you can feel a buzz about the future all over the country.  "Vision 2020" is a program promoted by the government, and everyone is talking about it.  I was in a home in a small village in a very rural part of the country, and they even had a poster about it on their wall (very close to a 2-Pac poster).

And the priorities of the government seem right - symbolized by the still bullet ridden parliament building.  A dictatorial regime is more interested in appearances than reality.  They want to appear strong - so they build big palaces and neglect the people.  In Rwanda, they left the Parliament building full of cannon holes (even 15 years later), and are instead filling the holes in the roads and electricity grid.  This is the power of remembering.

This stands in stark contrast to Theodore Roosevelt.  I finished a gripping biography about him while in Rwanda called The Rise of Theodore Roosevelt.  It's a book I think every man should read and, if possible, read it with your son.  But his response to the tragic loss of his wife was to end the chapter of his life and never return.  At 24 years old, he was serving in the NY state legislature.  His wife died giving birth to his first son with a month left in his term.  Weighed down with sorrow, he finished his term and set forth on a 5 week western expedition in solitude.  But before leaving, he penned a tribute letter to his wife, then went west and grieved.  When he returned from the trip, he never spoke publicly about his first wife again.

I shared this story with a man I met in the airport in Nairobi.  He was returning from a 5 week tour of Eastern Africa - a trip he had dreamed about for years.  His first wife left him years ago and he was still healing.  He went alone to find recovery and restoration.  After telling him the story, I thought he was going to cry.  He shared that he went to Africa on a mission - to Climb Killimanjaro.  Part of the mission was to reach the top and burry a letter he wrote to close the very painful chapter of his life involving his divorce and the death of his father.  He spoke of his excitement to return home to his girlfriend, who is now expecting (coincidentally, we share the same due date of May 10th).  We flew to Amsterdam and re-united there to chat more.  While walking around the airport for over an hour (to stay awake) he shared that he was buying an engagement ring in the airport - BIG STEP!

I started reading the book, Adopted into God's Family on the plane ride home.  It's a theological evaluation of the doctrine of adoption.  The most beautiful part of this book is the reminder that God is the perfect father.  Though we all have failures in our family:  divorce, death, bad parenting experiences, difficult children, we can depend on God to be the perfect Father, and we can learn from Jesus how to be the perfect Son.  While in Rwanda I taught pastors about the Gospel of John.  I couldn't get over how often Jesus talks about his Father in the book.  Every time he taught the disciples or a crowd, he goes on and on about his Father (try circling the word "Father" in your Bible in the book of John and see where it show up the most).  In chapters 14 and 15, he's teaching the disciples before he heads to the cross, and all he can talk about is his Father.  Their love for one another is perfect and pure, and even in our messed up, war riddled world we can depend on their example.

One of the more striking things to experience in Africa is seeing men holding hands.  It is a common practice for men, who are just friends, to hold hands.  In America, that means one thing:  homosexuals.  But how beautiful to see pure love displayed by the simple act of holding hands.  Close friends showing camaraderie and intimacy publicly.  This struck me as a good thing - and was especially meaningful when my son, while walking through the airport, instinctively reached up and grabbed my hand.  It was good to be home.

Rwanda

I'm in Rwanda doing some teaching this week.  Pray for me!
It's 4:37 AM and a rooster is crowing outside my window.  That would be ok if I had slept at all in the last 40 hours  (I did get 3 hrs on the plane... that was 24 hrs ago).
Lots of excitement already, including a wild taxi ride, a sawed off shotgun, and drunk man complementing my blue eyes (no, we're not back in Phoenix).

Beautiful country, even in the dark - and very helpful people.
PRAY!

Binders and the Decleration of Independence

This is my son and his binders.  He's been filling them up with all sorts of important papers.  The two light colored binders are dedicated to his parents.  He said he keeps important things about us in them so he can remember us if we accidentally die.  Important things like old church history notes and pictures of crocodiles - things that will make him think of us.

The red binder holds his copy of the Declaration of Independence.  He was absolutely giddy to have his own copy printed out today.  He said "The Stephens (friends with 12 kids) won't believe this!"  I don't remember much about my 5th year of life, but I know that there really wasn't anything more exciting than carrying personal copies of constitutional documents.

Are you Safe and Secure?

I almost didn't watch this video



I'm so glad I did.

The best line:  "I learned that being available and being willing is enough."

The Butterfly Circus

Stars Eduardo Verastegui from Belah (read his story here) and Nick Vujicic.

Book Review: This Momentary Marriage by John Piper

Working with a marriage ministry, and knowing that there are dozens (if not hundreds) of new marriage books published each year, I was giddy to get my hands on the new marriage book by John Piper. If you've read any of Piper, you'll come to find much of what you love about his writing in this book. Instead of tips and tactics, it is a careful theological treatment of the purpose of marriage.

The verse he uses as the title for the book reminds the reader that marriage is a temporary condition – since the scriptures make it clear that there will be no marriage in heaven (Matt 22.30). This sets up his central premise in the book, one that is repeated over and over again, because of Noel's (his wife) encouragement. When asked for advice on the book, she said "You cannot say too often that marriage is a model of Christ and the church." Piper goes on to say that not only is marriage a model of Christ and the church, but that the deepest meaning of marriage is to display Christ's covenant keeping love to the world. He says, "Staying married is not mainly about staying in love. It's about covenant-keeping."

I had a strong reminder of this covenant-keeping love in my kitchen this week. My parents were in town visiting for a few days. My mom was up first one morning, reading her Bible at the kitchen table. When she heard my father stirring, making his way to the kitchen, she stood and eagerly awaited his arrival. He entered the kitchen and they embraced. As I watched my parents hold each other close, I flashed back to those moments as a five-year-old when I found great comfort and security in their affections. They could not wait to see each other again after a night of sleep. Even though I am an adult, I am still moved with feelings of comfort with each of their covenant-enduring embraces.

For Piper, seeing marriage primarily as reflecting Christ's covenant-keeping love also shapes his view on divorce. He believes that divorce should be extremely rare, and that re-marriage is prohibited while your spouse is living. He defends the view well (and also clarifies that he is in the minority among evangelicals with this view) in chapters 14 and 15. He says, "If the blood-bought church, under the new covenant, ever ceases to be the bride of Christ, then a wife may legitimately divorce her husband." Though in the Old covenant, God sent Israel away with a decree of divorce (Jer 3.8), in the new covenant, Christ says "I am with you always" (Matt 28.20) and "I will never leave you nor forsake you" (Heb 13.5).

This view of marriage also informs our parenting – for if marriage reflects Christ's love for the church, then what does that say about the Father? Ephesians 6.4 reminds fathers to bring up their children "in the discipline and instruction of the Lord." It also says "do not provoke them to anger." Why this specific instruction to fathers? Piper says, "Dad embodies authority. Apart from Christ, the child embodies self-will. And when the two meet, anger flares." He offers this encouragement. "Even more important than avoiding the obvious aggravators, we fathers should think about what kinds of preemptive things we can do that don't just avoid anger but diminish or remove anger. That's the real challenge." He continues, "Don't just stop doing things that provoke anger; start doing things that prevent and overcome anger."

So many men struggle with anger because of their fathers, but all men have a chance to "sever the root of the whole cycle of anger by savoring to the depths of your soul the preciousness of God's forgiveness and God's promises… Show them in your own soul how it can be replaced with tenderhearted joy" (p150-154). Why is forgiveness so powerful for breaking down anger? Anger says, "You owe me something before we can be right." Forgiveness says, "I am taking the initiative to restore our relationship and remove any debt between us." The father is the adult and it is his role to seek forgiveness – to model Christ like love in all of his relationships. And as you seek to overcome anger, you model the Father's love by being the one that seeks and grants forgiveness quickly, willingly, and often.

My one disappointment with this book was that Piper did not share more stories from his experiences with his wife. I know from a few friends that have spent time around John Piper that his marriage has endured many difficulties and challenges – enduring a very dry season. I would have loved to have heard specifics about how they fought through such a season. But I think this book is his answer: the way he fought through the dullness was to come to understand the theological basis for marriage. And as he gained a greater appreciation for the nature of Christ's love, his love for his wife was renewed and strengthened.

There is so much more in this book that could be unpacked here, such as his handling of roles and singleness, both of which are extremely helpful. For now it is safe to say that the book is worth reading for every married couple. And the timing of this reading was especially encouraging for me, as my wife and I celebrate TEN YEARS of marriage this week!

The Master of the Metaphor

I've been listening to Tim Keller preach through the book of John (to prepare for my trip to Rwanda – to teach through the book) and I've been continually amazed by his masterful use of metaphor (or real-life examples that illustrate his point) in preaching. Below is one example used during his sermon on worship (this quote is not word for word, but based on my best recollection):

"My 7 year old son has a cabbage patch doll [this message was given in 1991] that brings him great comfort. If you were to offer him a Brownstone home here in New York City in exchange for that doll, the best you would get from him is a slight hesitation. But at the end of the day, he would not give up that doll. 'How foolish!' you cry. 'Absurd!' you proclaim. Yet we are no different. We hold on to the little things that bring us comfort, yet are of infinitesimal value in comparison to the value of a life given over to Christ. You rightly ascertain that this child has no sense of perspective. He's not able to comprehend how much more that home will serve him for the rest of his life. All he knows is what seems to bring him comfort now. And we are no different."