Affair Proofing Marriage

Catching up on FamilyLife Today podcasts: Listened to Ron and Nancy Anderson, who have written the book, Avoiding the Greener Grass Syndrome.

She was in a bad marriage, was unhappy, and began having an affair. Upon asking her dad for advice, he said,  "I didn't raise you to be happy, I raised you to behave."

After confessing the affair to her husband one night, together they called the man she was having an affair with and told him she would never see him again. She said to him, "I am choosing to love my husband, even though my feelings are otherwise."

Reminded me of the line in Fireproof "You've got to lead your heart." The heart is wicked, deceived, easily pulled after vile things. "He who trusts in his own heart is a fool..." Prov 28:26

Great message for today. You can listen at the following links:

Day 1
Day 2
Day 3

You can also buy the book here.

Books with Mom

Mom was in town recently. Had to buy some books. The first and third on the left made it through the initial rounds and went home. Mom is reading Bloody Crimes and I am reading Churchill's War.

What is the Home for?

I've been reading quite a bit of Wendell Berry lately. Some friends visited the other night, and we began discussing the state of marriage and family today, which reminded me of the following quote, which we read aloud and discussed:

“Marriage, in what is evidently its most popular version, is now on the one hand an intimate ‘relationship’ involving (ideally) two successful careerists in the same bed, and on the other hand a sort of private political system in which rights and interests must be constantly asserted and defended. Marriage, in other words, has now taken the form of divorce: a prolonged and impassioned negotiation as to how things shall be divided. During their understandably temporary association, the ‘married’ couple will typically consume a large quantity of merchandise and a large portion of each other.” - From What Are People For? p180.

After reading the quote I was also reminded of another:

“The modern household is the place where the consumptive couple do their consuming. Nothing productive is done there. Such work as is done there is done at the expense of the resident couple or family, and to the profit of suppliers of energy and household technology. For entertainment, the inmates consume television or purchase other consumable diversion elsewhere.”

These quotes shed much light on the problem of parenting in the modern household for me. Most couples have no inherent concept in their minds of the purpose of their home. It has by default been defined as a place to escape from work or school, rest from work in various forms (TV, yard work, video games, read), or catch up on extra work from the office. But the home in and of itself has very little productive function for the family. It has little unifying effect on a family, in fact, most families are highly divided in their own home – each person slipping off into their separate spheres of escape. (Thus the modern generational divided church is really just a natural result of what has already been occurring in the home for decades.) It should come as no surprise then that many adults and children want to escape the home altogether, chasing children and their activities all over the city. For many it is easier to escape the confusion of the home than to fight for unity among the family in the home.

It should also come as no surprise that it is incredibly difficult to engage children with household chores, as there is no immediate connection to such work and meaning in their lives. There was a day when if one did not engage in household work (gather eggs, milk the cow, can the vegetables, etc.) then you very well may have starved, or at the very least have been very hungry. Now the solution, if one is hungry, is not to work harder at home, it is to go make a purchase.

What is the Home for? This is the problematic question any couple must wrestle with. For us, the home is a place where we certainly do some of the above time-wasters, but predominantly in our minds, our home is a place for fostering relationships with each other and with neighbors with the hopes that some may come to know Christ. It’s almost like the neighborhood pub, but with sweet tea on tap instead.

That night our friends lamented the way one couple they know are so scattered by their kids activities. I concluded, "I don’t think your friends that are smothered and scattered by child sports will be able to change their behavior until they wrestle with the question of the purpose of their home, until they can answer together, 'What is our home for?'"

Back on the Bike today

With the temps dropping, gas prices rising, and belts tightening, it's time to get back on the bike...

The Bike...

In honor of full disclosure, The bike is back in the garage...

Popeye, Kidnapping, and Addictions

Recently our family watched the movie Popeye, featuring Robin Williams with huge plastic forearms, singing through clenched teeth. I have a soft place in my heart for this movie, as it is the first feature film I recall  seeing at the theaters - and if my memory serves me correctly, we even went TWICE (must have been a rough month for mom - or, more likely, I was especially well behaved. Mom, please don't spoil my memory with the facts in the comments).

In the movie, Wimpy, who has a weakness for hamburgers, is enticed by Bluto to steal Swee'Pea, Popeye's son, who was recently-acquired-by-basket-delivery. Bluto is secretly plotting to use Swee'Pea's uncanny ability to predict the future for his own gain, by making money off the mechanical horse races. But Popeye follows in hot pursuit, foiling Bluto's plan. A gripping plot indeed.

When Wimpy handed the baby to Bluto, my son asked, "Why did he steal the baby?" My response: "Because he is addicted to hamburgers." (My son did not see Bluto slip Wimpy a hamburger during the trade-off). We then discussed addictions and the nature of addictive behavior for the next few minutes. The final lesson?

Addictions will cause a person to do crazy things.

Addictions lead to all sorts of crazy behavior. Whether one is addicted to coffee, sugar, comic books, literature, country music, cleanliness, messiness, movies, sit-coms, soap-operas, truck-stop-junk-food, health food, Internet, cell-phones, solitude, diet coke, exercise, or sloth, when one is addicted, you are more likely to make sacrifices for that addiction, to serve that addiction, to neglect more important things for that addiction, to think about that thing and how you get more of that thing all the time, to do things that if you could step back and look at yourself, would seem absurd and silly, like swapping a baby for a hamburger.

Addictions will become such a part of a person that they will no longer be able to separate themselves from it. Their addiction becomes part of their identity. They will no longer be able to objectively look at themselves as they are - they become blind to the addiction.

John MacArthur in the book When Sinners Say "I Do" had this to say about this tendency:

Christians are rapidly losing sight of sin as the root of all human woes. And many Christians are explicitly denying that their own sin can be the cause of their personal anguish. More and more are attempting to explain the human dilemma in wholly unbiblical terms: temperament, addiction, dysfunctional families, the child within, codependency, and a host of other irresponsible escape mechanisms promoted by secular psychology.

The potential impact of such a drift is frightening. Remove the reality of sin, and you take away the possibility of repentance. Abolish the doctrine of human depravity and you void the divine plan of salvation. Erase the notion of personal guilt and you eliminate the need for a Savior. 

Explaining away sin with more convenient terms has become the sanitized way of dealing with the unholy. One of the better books I've read this year on dealing with sin and "putting your sin to death" has been The Enemy Within by Kris Lundgaard. On pages 85-88, he offers the following encouragement and a few steps for the battle with sin:

“One of the means God has given us to overcome the power and deceit of the law of sin in us is to put our minds to work not just for obedience, but against sin. These are some ways you can use your head to weaken the flesh:

1. Thinking about the sovereignty of God.  Think about the great Lawgiver who forbids sin. This helped keep Joseph out of bed with Potiphar’s wife (Genesis 39:9). When you come face to face with the lust of the flesh, think, “It is God who forbids this; the great Lawgiver, who rules in sovereignty over me, on whom I depend for every breath of life, and from whom I can expect my lot in this life and the next.”

2. Think about the punishment of sin. Keep in mind that “our God is a consuming fire” (Hebrews 10:29). To forget this or ignore this is to slap God in the face (Romans 1:32). Jesus counseled us to fear him “who can destroy both body and soul in hell” (Matthew 10:28).

3. Think about all the love and kindness of God, against whom every sin is committed. When God’s love touches your soul and moves you, and you know that every sin is against the Lover of your soul, you will not sin.

Is this the way to repay the Lord,
O Foolish and unwise people?
Is he not your Father, your Creator,
Who made you and formed you? (Deut 32:6)

4. Think about the blood and meditation of Christ.

For Christ’s love compels us… And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again. (2 Cor 5:14-15).

 5. Think about the indwelling of the Holy Spirit. If you fully consider how sin grieves the Spirit, how it defiles his dwelling place, how you lose and forfeit his comforts by it - this works against the lusting of sin.” 

Try using the above steps to wage war against sin in your life - particularly in the arena of your mind. Begin by refusing to describe sin as anything other than sin. And know your limits and stick to them. Wimpy started small - by promising to pay for that which he could not afford ("I'll gladly pay you Tuesday for a Hamburger today.") He had no idea where that slippery slope would lead. Be watchful with sin, or it is only a matter of time before you'll be holding up signs at highway intersections that say "Will kidnap babies for food."

New book by David McCullough

David McCullough, one of my favorite writers, has a new book about Americans in Paris in the late 1800's. A brief glimpse of the key characters he addresses reveals much about the French influence on American culture during this period. People like Harriet Beecher Stowe, Elizabeth Blackwell (first American woman doctor), P.T. Barnum, Samuel Morse (telegraph inventor), and James Fenimore Cooper (author of The Last of the Mohicans) all spent significant time in Paris during these years.



Check out the book website, where you can read a short summary of the book view the book trailer (different from the above video), an interactive time-line, and order the book (due out May 24th).

Do not move the ancient boundaries

My father's office building sits on the edge of the Ohio river in downtown Louisville, Kentucky. The Ohio is near its widest here, stretching a mile between Kentucky and Indiana, flowing with more volume than the mighty Mississippi at their confluence. From the rear of his office, one has a panoramic view of the river and it's many sites: the canal & locks, the Colgate clock, the falls. It is a mysterious and majestic section, giving credence to the name "Ohio", which comes from the Iriquoian "oyo" meaning "beautiful." Thomas Jefferson agreed with their assessment and wrote "The Ohio is the most beautiful river on earth. Its current gentle, waters clear, and bosom smooth and unbroken by rocks and rapids, a single instance only excepted."

But with the beauty comes the risk of feeling its power all too intimately. My father has a front row window to the battle of the bulging river in these flooding days. He recently sent me this picture of the river's elevated stage:

On the left (out of the picture) is the Muhammed Ali Museum. if  you look carefully in the middle of the picture, you can just see the TOP of a STOP sign. And the water was still rising.

My brother commented the following on this picture: "Even though it's dangerous, it's still really beautiful to see the river temporarily claim territory that's up for grabs."

That has always been true. The power of the river is amazingly seductive, and has always drawn me in with its mystery and strength. The memory of living close to this river inspired the following poem:

The mighty Ohio re-stakes its claim

Pouring over the plains

that man has mistakenly assumed

were always his domain

and now wait

for the mud laced parks to drain

While the Ohio flows on

And will not let us forget

There are boundaries in life that must be respected.

Though the water creeps back down

The slopes that direct it

Memories fade and are lost with time.

But tragedy comes again to those

That disregard the message sent long ago.

Living near a river like this serves as a regular reminder that there are real boundaries in life that must be respected. Want to build your house on the bank of the Ohio? go ahead. It is really beautiful. It also tends to flood, in a big, big way. Yeah, I know it is easy to forget about the flooding, even though it happens almost every year. And every decade or so it gets real messy. And every century or so it comes into the heart of the city.

Why is it that we so quickly forget the power that lies behind the river? Something within us tends to assume that the worst is not really possible, even though we own insurance of all types. Proverbs 22:28 says, "Do not move the ancient landmark that your fathers have set." Do not discard the wisdom of those that have gone before you. There is much to learn from the ancients.

There is a reason that all over the coast of Japan there are stone markers, placed hundreds of years before, that read "Do not build below this line." (read the article about them here). No one knows who placed these markers. Who were these ancient people? They were a people that loved their land and cared for the future generations. Yet many ignored the warnings, building below the line, where the water destroyed mercilessly.

We bought flood insurance this year for the first time. The former home owner was very assuring that the little creek trickling along the back edge of the property had never risen to the fence line, not in the entire forty year history of the home. Forty years is a long time for a man, yet a short history for a creek. Let us pray that those forty are a good representation of the last 4,000.

One simple way to help your kids be nicer and get better grades.

The other night I put my son to bed early. He was being disagreeable. I was at the end of my fuse as well. The great slumber torture chamber seemed like the best way to deal with the problem at the time. But a funny thing happened: he slept later than normal, and we went to bed earlier than normal, and we slept later than normal. We were all severely sleep deprived and didn't realize it. The crankiness was really a symptom of a deeper issue: Sleep deprivation.

Sleep: it's something that no one can do without for very long, it is critical to life. Yet for some strange reason, it is also seen as a sign of fortitude to be able to avoid sleep. Those who sleep the least are praised the most.

Well here's a little secret that will finally give you the freedom to drive those screamin' demons to their cages with no regret: if you want your kids to be nicer, to be more alert, to get better grades, to not be overweight, and to be better athletes, there is one simple thing you can do: make sure they get more sleep.

Po Bonson, in his book Nuture Shock makes the case that kids today are getting one hour less sleep a night than kids did 30 years ago. Adults say, "no big deal, they'll get by - I do - they can too. What's one hour?" But the loss of sleep for adults is not nearly as critical as it is for a child.

Bonson points out that Children spend 40% of their sleep in the "slow-wave" stage, while adults spend only 4% in this stage, when the brain converts experiences into long-term memories. Children spend ten times as long in this important stage than adults do, so for every minute of sleep a child misses, they are cutting into a significant portion of their memory making, which will affect their school work, and it will do so in amazing ways. Bonson cites one study showing that the average A student sleeps 15 more minutes a night than a B student, which sleeps 15 minutes more than C students, and so on down the line. The hard part for adults here is that 15 minutes doesn't seem like much time. Kids are so good at dragging out the ritual for just a few more minutes - just one more drink of water, or trip to the bathroom, or body-slam on the couch won't hurt, will it? But when you start to think in terms of a LETTER GRADE, the difference stands out. And if you are well rested, you can do the math here - losing an hour of sleep a night turns an A student into an F student.

He also found that overweight kids had one thing in common - more than video games, inactivity, junk food - the one common denominator was that they got less sleep than the thin kids.

And this is just the tip of the iceberg on the results of losing sleep. Grab Bonson's book and read his short chapter on sleep - you will be astonished.

The NBA is also on to the relationship between sleep and performance. Studies done with players at Stanford show sleep loss affects free-throw percentages, reaction time, turnovers, and many other key parts of a player's game. Some NBA teams have re-structured their practice schedules to allow players to catch naps in the middle of the day, since most of their 'work' days go well into the night. You can listen to an interview with the NBA's sleep doctor here.

Two time MVP Steven Nash, almost 38 years old, credits his extended career in the NBA with discovering the art of napping. The sleep doctors also point out that your body does the most important injury repair work while you sleep, as well as muscle building/recovery.

Sleep also comes in handy when you find yourself irritable. Sometimes a short nap, just 15 minutes, will do wonders for a cranky parent. When I was a youth, I remember a minister at our church telling me he would take a nap whenever he was having an argument with his wife. Aside from the inherent dangers associated with increasing the tension in your marriage, ("Honey, in know you're upset right now and want to figure this out, but I tell you what, I really need to catch a few Z's. I'll be back in a few minutes."), this seems like a wise strategy, reminding me of AA's H.A.L.T. warning system: You are most likely to fall of the wagon when you are Hungry, Angry, Lonely, or TIRED. Something as simple as sleeping can set your emotional balance right again.

Yet the stigma of our culture remains. You can surf the internet on the job for an hour and appear to be working, but if you drop your head down on the desk for 5 minutes of recharging, you risk your job. But the doggone President of the United States takes naps (at least many have been known to do so), so I say, follow our fearless leader.

But back to the issue of your kids. Sure, getting them more sleep is a great idea, but how do you do so? How can you outsmart the little midnight manipulators? Here's some tips to try:

1. Begin by reading more on sleep to help convince you of the importance of it (both for your kids and for you). Once you have your gumption screwed up, look in the mirror and repeat to yourself "I am the adult. My kids DO need sleep. I get to pick the bedtime. I am the adult. My kids DO need sleep. I get to pick the bedtime. I am the adult...." Repeat this as many times as necessary or until your wife calls the white coats.

2. Resist the pull to have your kids in every activity offered in the city. Will it really matter that your child won third-chair-violin for the 4yr old age bracket in the south-west corner county chamber orchestra? I don't think that will land on their college resume. But many have bought into the myth that kids have to be in every activity under the sun to be "well rounded." What did Abe Lincoln's dad do to make him well rounded? Handed him an axe and told him to split rails. Cutting out activities will allow you to be home in time to get everyone ready for bed without making you crazy.

3. Set a realistic bedtime FOR THE KIDS and stick to it.

4. Develop a nightly routine. Start winding them down gradually. We do this by reading at the end of the night. I try to get all their rigorous activities out of the way (wrestling, running, trampoline, wood-cutting, gravel-crushing, etc.) earlier in the evening and then have a gradual decline in activity toward bedtime. We sing and pray together, and I allow a little individual reading time before finally shutting out the lights.

5. Set a realistic bedtime FOR YOURSELF and stick to it. A friend of mine in college was bemoaning his inability to get up early and study his Bible, yet he couldn't get in bed till after midnight. Yes, you can cheat sleep for a little while, but it will eventually catch up to you. It becomes and endless cycle if you are always going to bed late and getting up too early. None of us are superheroes. You need sleep.

6. Make sure everyone is getting quality sleep. Make bedrooms as dark as possible. Use blackout curtains. Turn off all night lights, even dim any bright alarm clock lights. Use sleep masks if possible (this revolutionized my wife's sleep). Don't drink caffeine late at night. Make sure to drink lots of water throughout the day. Don't watch TV or check email late at night, which overstimulates the brain, making it difficult to wind down. Try sleeping without an alarm clock to see how much sleep your body naturally needs.

Sounds so simple doesn't it? Grandma used to call this "common sense." Yet we have so much cultural baggage to overcome these days. If you are not sleeping enough right now, something has to give. You have to make some hard choices about your schedule. That is probably the toughest choice that lies ahead.

Well, I'd say if you made it this far with this post, go reward yourself with a siesta!

Effective Communication for the Smallest Organization

In a previous post I relayed some leadership principles from a pastor in Phoenix. One of the concepts was the following...

You HAVE to communicate. You have to explain why you're doing something, what will happen if you DON'T do it, and what you hope will happen if you DO do it. People often will not understand even your very simple ideas until you are sick of talking about it. That is when they are just beginning to hear it.

Why is this the case? Why is it that communication is so difficult in an organization? I mean, if the person leading the organization says something, even just once, every one should listen closely and respond, right? It is a strange reality that even when people are motivated by money, (i.e. listening to my boss may directly affect my pocketbook), they often still do not hear the mantras, the clear, obvious, repeated statements that shape an organization. (For example, try stating the 'core values' for your business/company right now.)

But this really shouldn't come as any surprise. Take the smallest organization that exists, the smallest unit of society, the family, and evaluate the way communication occurs there.

I love my wife, she loves me, we like each other, we live together, we share so much of life, yet  we still mis-communicate. We still do not always understand or fully comprehend one another's vision for life moving forward. We may not always talk about it, and even when we do we may not listen. Or we may avoid talking about big issues for a season out of fear, hurriedness, awkwardness, or uncomfortableness. We still have disagreements about little things like where empty recycling items should rest in the kitchen before departing for their epic journey to the elusively placed recycling bin in the garage. We manage to miss each other on some of the more obvious things, and this doesn't even include communicating well with our children. All the above sounds slightly dysfunctional, yet I would say, based on my extensive research of other families, which means watching/stalking and piously judging all my friends and their marriages, that we're on the above side of average when it comes to communication.

Communication, even within your own family can be difficult, but as I quoted Dennis Rainey in the previous post, communication is the life-blood of an organization. Communication is the means by which you lead, love, guide, and direct your family through life. If you are going to lead your family well, you must learn to foster good communication.

Here are some tips for improving your communication with your family:

1. Do a weekly date night: Even if you can't get out on the town, set aside at least 1 hour to just sit on the couch and talk with your wife. Listen to her. Nod regularly. look into her eyes. Ask clarifying questions. Talk about things that seem to creep up and take your family by surprise. Right now our set up is for Thursday nights. One of those a month we go out, two of the other three we talk about finances and ministry (separate nights). The final night is a catch-all - no predetermined subject. Our consistency since moving (for the last month) has not been as great as I'd like - but that's my job to make sure we hold to it.

2. Plan out your week together on Sunday night: On Sunday night, I try to take an hour to think through my week. A few times lately I have sat in the kitchen while my wife does the same and we end up having GREAT conversations about the week. We never really planned to do this, but it has developed naturally over time.

3. Go to bed together WITH NO TV, INTERNET, OR EMAIL, in the room (but books are ok): It is amazing how many good conversations occur as you are drifting off to sleep. Last year I broke this rule and spent many nights working late into the night to meet some deadlines. It was out of necessity, but I am glad it is over. It has been good to return to our routine of going to bed together, and it has helped me get more sleep! It is a simple connection point, but the connection can be strong. If you have electronic devices in the room, there's little chance of conversations occurring. They numb the mind and prevent good conversation. Books are OK, however, mostly because I like books and want to self-justify my actions and have you join me, but also because they are easier to put down when someone starts talking.

4. Pray with your spouse every night: The simple act of praying together can make a huge difference in your communication.

5. Plan a yearly get-away: Weekly and daily communication is a must, but you also need to get away from the rut and routine of life once a year and talk about big picture items that cannot be solved in one evening. Things like schooling, vacations, dreams for the future, mission trips, ministry activities, and family sports/activities. Putting a plan in place helps your family focus on the main priorities for the year. FamilyLife offers a book called Getting Away to Get It Together to help you plan such a weekend.

6. Milestone celebrations with your kids: Whenever your child hits a key milestone, plan a celebration of some sort. FamilyLife has the Passport to Purity kit to help you plan a weekend away with your pre-teen to talk about purity. Last year I did an event with our son before he became an older brother. These events give you an opportunity to reinforce values that are important to you and also allow you to go deeper with your child.

7. Develop a list of family values: I have not done this one, but it is something other speak highly of. Steven Covey talks about the process for establishing these values in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People.

Communication is hard, even with a small group of people. The only way it will ever happen well is if you are intentional. But it is worth the work. The other choice is to just passively allow your family to plod along with no clear direction from you. And just as with any organization, this leads to chaos, frustration, confusion, and eventually, a break down of relationships. Try starting one of the above items this week. If you have not done any, then start with #1 or #4, or whichever seems easiest to you.